Nothing like organizing a seating arrangement to rehash who gets along with who. It all seems simple enough. You have an 8 foot table and you sit four people on each side. Woe to the person who walks into this nonsense with such a cheery disposition.

Going into this, you know families are crazy, not just their inter-tensions, but the many unique pecularities of different members. But this time, for added pleasure, you get to mix two of them! First there’s your Tia Cuca who’s got the bladder thing and needs to sit by the bathroom. Then these two have a bitter past so they gotta sit on opposite sides of the table. Who ’s back is facing who? Will they take offense? Don’t let these guys sit together because they’ll end up getting drunk, fighting and then crying arm in arm the rest of the night (Which I consider a positive).

Fine, after mixin’ and a matchin’ you finally get it down. Oh wait! You gotta do it 13 more times, and then go over the whole thing with tables instead of people. Man, I still think the whole thing would be easier if we had little soldiers and tanks. Then we could push all the guest-models around with sticks like in War movies.

Well, at least I know where I’m sitting. That’s right people, the table of awesome. (Patent pending)

Yesterday I go down to the courthouse to let the law know my intentions towards this little lady.  Nothing much of interest except the lines are filled with the exact type of person you see at the Wallmart returns counter.  Oh, and I think two gay couples got married while I was there (Go Cal).  The truly bizarre thing however, is the booklet shown above that was included in our paperwork.  Since this whole adventure started, I’ve received pamphlets on all sorts of things that I will probably never deal with, but it really throws me that ‘THE MAN’ would be giving out info on planned parenting & Gonorrhea.  Not that I’m not thankful, but I think the book may be a tad out of date.  Just look at the pictures inside.

Dude looks guilty to me

It's the lady from all the nail salon windows!

Your baby may not have legs, signed America

There is no guarantee that Laurence Fishburne will be your doctor.

Do not take your baby on rollercoasters

It’s seriously like those little religious booklets you find on bus stops.  The one with the pictures of everyone going to hell and the bad influence kid all posing with a skateboard, kneepads and a walkman.

Much to my surprise, our glorious leader’s financial ‘boost’ was not enough to completely pay for the entire wedding. I think old Shub is barely gonna help us with the faux-metalic plastic utensilry. After some thought I decided that since politics wouldn’t foot the bill, I would just resort to science. You are looking at one of the newest victim subjects, of a case study by California Clinical Trials. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve become a guinea pig for love. While I can’t say much about the study itself, I can assure you it had absolutely nothing to do with sex (Thanks allot loveline). I just finished the study a week ago and received the check today. All I had to do was stay overnight once and let them rub Vaseline all over my hair. The trial now being over and the convulsions generally subsiding, I can get back to wandering around downtown and buying scores of paper plates. Now maybe we can go all out and get a DJ, instead of asking my cousin with the audio system in the garage that smells like weed at all times of day.

First the signs.

What Poise! What form!

The hip snack!

Pressed repeatedly until broken

Her face, her face is the topper

yes, I'll have the pork choops

Then there’s the kids…

IN YO FACE

Kids drawing MLK

trouble with his Multiclutations

poor poor woman

I also managed to capture the culprit of the googlie eyes on my mom.

This next one requires a bit of explanation. Essentially, theres a noodle place in Little Tokyo that has a sort of gimmick. If you can finish their hottest bowl in under half an hour, your Polaroid goes on the wall of fame. 25 minutes later, after much laughter, bathroom heaving and more laughter, I remembered the cameraphone and managed to capture an image of my brother’s face recoiling in horror.

Every year I manage to make it out to the Oktoberfest celebration down at the Alpine Village. It’s always generally free to get in and the atmosphere is pretty fun. Occasionaly frats show up and turn it into nonsense, but it’s generally a fun thing to do. On this particular occasion we decided to stop by even though it was pretty obvious it would rain and the event is somewhat outdoors. We drank, it rained and we continued to drink. I can’t believe my camera survived the moisture and managed to catch these great shots.

And finally we have the grand opening of the Sherman Oaks Arclight theater. Let me set the mood. Friend “R” scored tickets to the grand opening of said theater and invited me to go catch Denzel Washington act like Tony Montana in some movie or other. I drink on the drive over, in the parking lot, on the walk to the theater and right into the entrance. THEN, I notice this soiree has free booze. Drinking. Getting paranoid. Start feeling eyes staring at me (Me and “R” are clearly the only “ethnics” in the gala). The movie starts and “R” goes to get his seats. I tell him I’m going to the restroom and black out. ‘Apparently’ I attacked an usher, called him a fucking racist, told him I worked for the LA Times and I was going to shut the place down, snapped a bunch of pictures of him and other security guards and was asked to call my friend so he could take me home. “R” was called, but having turned off his ringer, it went to voicemail. He has yet to delete this hilarious conversation consisting of me mumbling while security guards admonish me in the background while asking me to put my ‘camera’ away. I don’t want to put all the embarrasing mess in here, but here’s a couple gold ones.

So that’s it. Clearly I’m very wary of having a camera with me, if I can remember to pop it out in a drunken argument. I don’t know if having the ability to record any event spontaneously has changed my life for better or worse, but I definitely plan on quickly turning on the video record if stopped by police. Maybe it can net me a nice settlement?

I love digital cameras. I try to keep one with me at all times, but obviously sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Conversely, I ALWAYS have my phone with me. I cannot function socially if ‘function socially’ isn’t checked off daily on my todo list. Now, the phone has a camera, but I use it sparingly, usually when I need to record information or my regular camera is nowhere to be found. Although I generally save these photos and never return to them, I recently went through them and found many of them to be a far better reflection of my day to day life than the usual digital photos. Ladies & Gentlemen, won’t you follow me on the first part of a two part series…No? Come on it’ll take just a little while…No seriously there’s only like 10 photos…Nah, not allot of writing at all…Ok, cool.

The first thing I noticed is that I take allot of pictures of signs or words. Usually while waiting in line to pay for groceries or something. It really blows my mind what people think consumers want nowadays.

I think this is Sawyer's dad

The Cheesiest kids in America!

for when 'that' uncle comes to visit

DO NOT use on black kids

Then there’s public signs. It seems like people (especially in the Berkeley area) are always having written discussions with the public.

Then there’s the small creative or beautiful things people do around me that don’t generally get acknowledged or are just done for the fun of it.

My mom with Googlie eyes.

Awesome junker truck

Pornography by Mattel

Gender studies desk @ Berkeley

Finally, there’s the things that happened to me and I felt a need to capture the moment. Like the time someone (neighborly) decided to put a fork in our tire because of parking disputes, or the time I was sort of low on grocery money and found myself sadly eating a mashup of soybeans, mushrooms and mustard.

Oh! Thats the fork in the road!

Yuck

This all happened in 2006 during my last year at Berkeley. Coming next is 2007, my first year back in ‘The wood’. Stay tuned, seriously.

On a recent search for Papel Picado through this city of our Aunt Jane, I realized what a great place Tijuana actually is. No! I’m not being factitious! Here’s a list of 10 reasons why you should make a visit to Zebra-Donkey town.

Tijuana has recently been labeled as unapproachably dangerous.

Sure, this might seem like a reason to stay away, but in actuality all NARCO violence is grossly exaggerated. Also, due to this decline in tourism, the entire town is making a concerted effort to make Tijuana a friendly place. I had a sales clerk personally walk me to their private restroom so I could take care of business. None of that “it’s in the back” for me. Later another street yeller took the time to give us very specific directions on a Papeleria we were looking for.

Haggling is a sport

This is where the haggler can really test their mettle. All haggling is taken very lightly and is expected if you know Spanish. You can test out you’re “The guy down the street has it for a dollar cheaper” or the one where your friend keeps telling you it’s too expensive and you’re undecided.

Mercado de Artesania

Taking up a city block with small Venetian streets, this is a market much less for booze & pills and more for reproductions of old Pedro Infante movie posters or huge Brass sundials & Aztec Calendars.

Calle de la Revolucion

How much fun can you have with no money? Try Calle de la Revolucion. Of course you can’t have any of the aforementioned booze & pills, but people’s clever attempts to bring you into their establishment will provide for lots of enjoyment.

The Side streets

I actually ventured out of the standard streets and into many of the small backstreets. Here you can find churches, flower shops and lots of other things that have nothing to do with why you’re in Tijuana.

Mom & Pops

Almost every store you go into, especially away from Revolucion, will have a distinct Mom & Pop feel. The couple may even be there in the middle of an argument when you walk in. When we sat down to have gorditas the lady making them was playing with her baby nearby while preparing our food. You get a distinct feeling of warmth when finding places like this.

Turnabouts

I love turnabouts. They are a distinct advantage to Street signs and are very very Euro. Unfortunately I have to drive to Long Beach to visit one in LA. Not true in TJ. Tons of turnabouts all over the place.

Driving

Yes you will get dinged, but if you come in a beater, you can do the dinging! Street laws and common sense go out the window when visiting TJ. It’s like bumper cars for grownups. Also very Euro.

Crossing back to the US

Have you ever imagined what your car would look like if it were a store? Find out on your return to the states. Your car offers ceramic piggy banks, elote, flan and many other great delicacies. I had a shrimp cocktail made for me before my eyes (thanks to the traffic) and managed to finish it before declaring I had nothing to declare.

Cajeta!

I know you can get it in the states, but not like this.

The beginning of the story takes on a nice darker tone, alluding to the new moral ambiguities of the Atomic age where the good guys & bad guys are not so clear cut. You get the feeling that the world is sort of leaving Indy behind. Also, the usual imagery of crucifixes & religious idols is replaced by mushroom clouds & space ships. We also see a clearly older Indy. Unlike Rambo, Spielberg tries to realistically portray Indy as a fairly fit older adventurer. While he does swing and fight like you would expect Indy to do, the more Keatonesque action is left to the new kid Shia LaBeouf. Unfortunately most of these musings on aging and a changing world get lost in the action of the second half of the film.

About the only major qualm with the movie would be the ridiculous amounts of CG. I feel that Spielberg has always shown an excellent sense of balance between real special effects & computer generated ones. Take Jurassic Park for example. Unfortunately this Indy seems a bit more visually Lucas than Spielberg. Much of the action seems muddled, blurry or clearly green-screened. It all has that Star Wars luster to it. Which, while still enjoyable, adds an indoor “studio” atmosphere to the entire film. All in all, if you go in expecting Indy, Indy is what you’ll get. Keep an eye out for the subtle E.T. reference in the beginning.

“No…no tienen ganas de bailar las cabronas.” (talking about the slower form of Hula dancing)

“hey they’re all related huh!”

“Oh they’re gonna do the lion king!” (talking about the boys who came out with masks and spears)

“man, you wont fight. You’re a pinche hamburgesa. ” (to the portly boy sitting behind them)

“me compre mis zapatos de quinceanera…y que crees?…no pos casi me mato”

“that bitch be wearing those hoochie dresses from the swap meet”

“she dont dance porque tiene su boyfriend”

“hey you got the money to go to college, but you don’t wanna go huh”

“apoco sudo ese flacito” (Thinner Samoan kid wiping himself with a towl on stage)

So there you go. You have not been updated on the goings on with Cholas today. I never knew about the swap meet dresses, or the fact that people only dance to have boyfriends. All good things to know.